[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
dream blunt rotation
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.