[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.