[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.
On 2. Go!
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
you’ve seen bao and you’ve seen pizza, but you might have not seen 包砸 #baozza