@DaddyNick

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

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@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@Thynebear

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@Prince_Smarming

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

@daddydoubts

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.