[mysterious British man rescues me]
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.
On 2. Go!
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i would lose weight but i hate losing
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Rhetorical is still a word, right?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.