Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
this has to be peak English
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Best mom ever 😂
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog