Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

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[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie


It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.


[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water


Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go


“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”


“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family


Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.


[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG


Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.


you’ve seen bao and you’ve seen pizza, but you might have not seen 包砸 #baozza