Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

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I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.


Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.


I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.


Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic


The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.


BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle


Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”


Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.