@MsMosman

Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

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@FancyNancyAnn

I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@JUSTLisandra

My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@IamEnidColeslaw

The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

@Schmoodles

Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”
No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.