**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Ain’t no way
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife