A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior