Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.