Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.
I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.