Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is