@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

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@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@JustAboutGlad

“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.

@NYC_Blonde

I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.

@Dawn_M_

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

@DaddyJew

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for

@ImaFlyontheWall

Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?

@TheTobbie

My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…

@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@UniqueDude2

{At the art museum with my newborn son}
baby: dada?
Me: it’s impressionist you stupid baby

@Contwixt

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.