Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.


[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*


More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.



So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”


Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.


Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.


I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.


[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”


We are the people our parents warned us about.