Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
see you in hell you stupid fruit
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Mad Max Arctic Road
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
😎 🍻
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts