Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Bit chilly again tonight.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Spell check is for lasers.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”