Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.