Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.