Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
You Might Also Like
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Reporter: *ports again*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.