Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.