@DumbConfessions

“Blow me.”

-Soup.

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@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@McGrumpenstein

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

@Darlainky

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

@carlyken

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

@JimmerThatisAll

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁