Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.