“Blow me.”


“Blow me.”


- @DumbConfessions

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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?


*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched


If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.


Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now


I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.


My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.


We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!


Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-