Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.