@RatBatallion

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

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@FeelingMervis

Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.

@IrishVin

My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@itrevormoore

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

@TheAlexNevil

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

@brittwastaken

Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@JoeMande

“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers