Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

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Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.


My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.


Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.


I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!


Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off


Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.


Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on


Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!


“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers