I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa