[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.