*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…