Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
A dog once travelled 150 miles to attack the man who abandoned him at a gas station. I think I found my spirit animal.
*marks intercept point*
Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!