@debon7

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

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@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

@ozzyunc

A dog once travelled 150 miles to attack the man who abandoned him at a gas station. I think I found my spirit animal.

@jctwritesstuff

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

@doccy_style

Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

@thatcarlygirl

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!