*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.