*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

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WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didnโ€™t t-

ME: I twerked.


If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?


“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me


Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.


next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom


I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.


Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.


New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2