Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Blows you, kisses
See proper punctuation is important
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.