Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.