@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

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@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@snmrrw

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

@Reverend_Scott

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

@ReelQuinn

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

@TheToddWilliams

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

@spectatorindex

AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.