Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
X-tra spooky blend
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.