Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.