Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
This meeting could have been a cake
Family Celebrity
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!