Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
decorating my apartment
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!