[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

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*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.


Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow


School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.


GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice


Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.


A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.


AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u