[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
You Might Also Like
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
sry
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348