[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.
Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Friend: wyd ?
Friend: and wyd after ?
Me : sleeping for work tomorrow
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u