Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
You Might Also Like
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]