Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
How your email finds me
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.