Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“Bluetooth or crazy”
– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I:
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
In Russia, Jesus finds you.