[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.