[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?