Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Someone that works at this Costco is REALLY just inviting chaos …
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.
*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle