Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
excuse me
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas