I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan
We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.