@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

You Might Also Like

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@lmegordon

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

@Browtweaten

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

@TheHyyyype

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

@QwertyJones3

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

@prodigalsam

Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.

@jonnysun

CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.