Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.