Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
You Might Also Like
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
✌️
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol