Boating season is upon us.
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.