Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.