@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

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@LuvPug

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@YayForJam

Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@DirtMcTurd

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.