‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My circle of trust is a meatball
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically