Relationship status: I’m seeing several women in my neighbourhood.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian
Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see
Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”
It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.