Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”
Yay it’s payday!
That was short lived.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.