@Sanbel11

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

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@RoobsC

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@AristotlesNZ

WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”

@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

@mlccm

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@AimeeHelene1

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature

@MUMSIEesq

Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.