BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.


WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”


I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.


Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.


me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now


*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature


Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.