BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff