[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra


[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.


[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.


[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?


Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.


I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.


Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.


Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.


Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ


[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know