@onelongbender: When people tell me I'm intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@UncleDuke1969: [loud bar] Her: I have to urinate Me: What? H: Urinate M: What? H: URINATE! M: Well, YOU'RE a 10! H: Huh? No! You're like a 5. I gotta pee.

@Pirate_nurse: I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added "Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer" In my prayers

@myonlymizztake: Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@AbbyHasIssues: Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating. Me: No.