@VodkaThursday: If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility

@peachgrenade: A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

@wolfpupy: we are always told "don't eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray" and then "don't eat the cookies that are in the jar" the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

@moooooog35: Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@NateMorrising: Excuse me miss, you're a cat - a man who doesn't know how to cat call