
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know