Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
😂💯
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’