Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

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Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.


[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”


An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken


ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.


Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.

*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*


When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up