@LlamaInaTux

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@IamJackBoot

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

@HarmonyRambles

Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.

*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up