@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

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@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

@Storminika

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’

@whatmaddness

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

@brianbowman73

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@bgdadyspnkbtm

My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.

@MaryKoCo

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

@JohnLyonTweets

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.