You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer
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My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.
2021 isn’t looking good either.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.