BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry