“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“My lips are sealed.”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.