@MooseAllain

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

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@TuSoonShakur

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@asaltiercorpse

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

@TheAlexNevil

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

@mom_tho

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

@TrophyWifeDayna

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

@samalmightysam

Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?

@Steven37366100

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes