@MooseAllain

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

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@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@NrouteHQ

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

@iwearaonesie

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

@danwlin

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

@slaughthie

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.