Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.