To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.