Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,


DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad


About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.


Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.


My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.


Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.


me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe


Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.