Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

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me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant


harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try


I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.


I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.


Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad


I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave


nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper


its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk