me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote
voldemort: this is brilliant
harry potter: expelliarmus!
voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try
Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
You should never laminate your kill list.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk