Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.


DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.



ME: Are you the beekeeper?


ME: Can I get some?


ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them


ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it


My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.

“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”


ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect


Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.


I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.


[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy