I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
You Might Also Like
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
m’lady
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Message from the dog groomers
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
🍞🦆
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Living the best life.. 😊