@BitchyJasmine

Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

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@tweetsbyrocket

me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant

[later]

harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

@LindaInDisguise

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

@petemandik

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@Cpin42

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

@gabbybendel

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

@jonnysun

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk