@TheOnion

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo

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@ArfMeasures

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@_freebird99_

Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.

@noog

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

@Skoog

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s