Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
You Might Also Like
If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
Her: I don’t know what I would do without my kids.
Me: me neither! But probably watch a 26 minute show on Netflix in under 6 hours.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye