Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
You Might Also Like
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.