“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
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I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill