“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’m about to risk it all
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.