“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
You Might Also Like
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.