@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

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@BigJDubz

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…

@BigJDubz

[The Matrix, dog version]

Dog Morpheus: Take the grey pill, the story ends but if you take the grey pill I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Dog Neo: *Already eaten both pills* RABBITS?!

@Dawn_M_

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor

@NOTVIKING

chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you

me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@deardilettante

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.