January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.