Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
[The Matrix, dog version]
Dog Morpheus: Take the grey pill, the story ends but if you take the grey pill I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes
Dog Neo: *Already eaten both pills* RABBITS?!
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Doctor: have you been drinking?
Me: no, your honor
chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you
me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.