Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”


[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this


Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?


Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling


Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.


Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.


Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.


I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.


Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.