Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Attacked by a mop.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE